Breaking Relationship Norms

By Gabriela Antezana

From the Greek root, Poly means many, while Amor(y) comes from the Greek root love. Polyamory is the practice of being in a relationship and or having feelings with more than one person at a time.

Much of the American society does not understand the meaning behind polyamory, leading to many stigmas and misappropriation of the lifestyle. Being exposed to the American society, we have been socialized to believe that monogamous relationships are the norm and the people who practice otherwise are burdens to society, “individuals in polyamorous relationships (compared to those in monogamous relationships) were perceived as being (a) higher in promiscuity, unsafe sexual practices and sex drive; (b) lower in trustworthiness and morality” (Hutzler, Giuliano, Herselman, & Johnson 2015).  The lack of education on this topic creates stigmas and misconceptions because many people do not know how else to perceive the way of polyamory. Polyamory is more about self-love, freedom of choice, flexibility, and finding yourself rather than what society perceives it to be.

Many of the misconceptions that have developed through the lack of education provided to society include; avoiding commitment (and or swinging), eliminating love or intimacy, and no feelings of jealousy (Sheff 2019). According to society, the humans that consciously engage in non-monogamous relationships seem to lack ethical consciousness and lack moral value. This claim is far from the reality that polyamorous people face. All humans experience emotions. Being in a non-monogamous relationship does not make anyone less human. According to Elisabeth Sheff and Corie Hammers, one of the dominating stigmas that burden the poly community is the label pervert (2011). Being sexually marginalized and labeled as pervert creates an image that polyamorous people are sexually deviant and or dysfunctional. This stigma generates society to think that polyamorous people may think of everyone who comes across their path may be a potential sexual partner. It is understood that even within the boundries and community of polyamory, there lies many stigmas and marginalizations that the people perpetuate on eachother, whether it has to due with the way they look or their sexual orientation. This contributes to the negativity that many experience being a part of this community.

Many stigmas force many of the polyamorous people from coming out to their family and friends about their relationships. Many polyamorists feel that they have to hide their relationships from the public because of the judgments and stigmas they could potentially face and not being fully accepted into their society (Lehmiller 2017). Polyamorous people would rather keep it their dating status secret making it seem to the general public that they are a minority when in reality many do practice this particular lifestyle. Non-monogamous relationships have been nothing but the norm since the very early stages of human evolution. Anthropologist found that recently in the deep jungles of Brazil, many villages consider non-monogamous marriages as the norm (Ryan & Jethá 2010). Non-monogamous relationships have always been around but little to no education or attention has been given to the public about it.

The stigmas that have been developed over the years have placed the practice of polyamory under an umbrella of unacceptable behavior, which is the opposite of embracing it much like some Brazilian villages. Overall, people in polyamorous relationships experience a wide range of stigmas and misconceptions because of the lack of education and understanding the general public has regarding this way of life.

by Tammy Ng

Polyamorous relationships have always been a hot topic of discussion of whether it is right or wrong. I was able to interview two students at UCSC that have a pro stance on this subject. They will be referred to as A and B per request.

I asked a two simple questions of “How would you define a polyamorous relationship?” and “Are you pro-poly or not?”. The second question was asked in general, whether it be about poly relationships for themselves or not, I wanted to receive information on why they have this opinion rather than the opinion itself. Both A and B answered the first question very simple and almost similarly, which was that being in a poly relationship meant being with more than one person, but all parties involved consenting. It is within their answers to the second question that differed slightly.

A had answered saying “I don’t think I am necessarily pro or anti poly; I think that it is just another way of life and if everyone in that relationship has consented and like, is happy, I don’t see anything wrong with that.” Consent was something that everyone I had interviewed had voiced was very important. Without consent of all parties involved, that would be considered cheating. Polyamory and non-monogamy relationships are not something for everyone. Everyone’s relationships are different, and while some people are straight or gay, there are others that are in poly relationships and others that aren’t. Poly is not about trying to find a way to keep a relationship from falling apart or a way to cheat without really cheating, but poly relationships are much deeper and is another aspect of a certain kind of relationship (Safronova 2016).

B had answered the question saying “I think poly relationships are great. I could never see myself with just one person. That’s not to say like, I want to fool around or anything like that, but I just love people and I would want to share that with more than one individual, you know.” There are many people out there that have similar thoughts as B has. They either could never see themselves be fully involved and only sharing their love with one person, but also, they have noticed their struggle with being attracted to or in love with more than one person. One recurring theme as I did my research was that, they never want to force their own ideals on other people, they just want recognition on why this type of relationship works for them.

At the end of the interview, I followed up with a question asking, “In the contemporary world, we have become more accepting of things that aren’t the norm, but why do you think that polyamorous relationships are still viewed as wrong?”. A had answered saying “People don’t like anything that goes against the norms” and B saying, “Media paints poly relationships as this crazy thing and not really like educating anyone on what it means to be in a poly relationship and the different kinds also”. One of the problems many have with representation of poly relationships is that what we see mostly is through crazy TV shows or horrid stories of people trying to escape these relationships (Goldfeder 2013). There is no realistic representation of these relationships, so many continue seeing these as a way for people to just have multiple partners as a way of infidelity. There also being an issue of what is ‘traditional’ or not. It goes against what popular culture dictates and thus is not okay (DeBoer 2015).

           

Polyamorus Relationships as Seen Through American Society.