Breaking Relationship Norms

By Ada Bravo

It can be very difficult to figure out the best way to tell family members new information about yourself that carries a stigma. Often times people feel very anxious around it because they are scared of the reaction that they will receive or of the new perception that their family will have of them. In Megans lecture, “Framing Kink and Paraphilia”, she talks about the different kinks that can make vanilla folks nervous. One of these could include polyamory.

Everyone’s experience will vary in significant ways depending on the families social construction. Some people might have a harder time, while others won’t. I will be using online sources of people who have shared their experiences of telling their families about their open relationship. I will give different examples of possible outcomes coming from a less excepting family, a neutral family, and a more excepting family.

Less Accepting: Philia Has a husband that her family really likes, but she decided that it was time that she told her family about their open relationship. She explained that her family has a strong Christian faith and she regrets telling them. She said that no one could understand polyamory and everyone was in tears after she tried opening up to them.

Neutral: Bryan and his partner decided that they did not like lying to people about their open relationship. Before telling anyone, they thought about all of the possible outcomes that they could receive. After telling his mom, he explained that she was supportive, But she was not understanding of it. He compared it to telling someone, “I eat chairs.” You don’t really care much, but you would think it’s a strange thing to do. (Donaldson)

More Accepting: Kamala explains that her mother reacted to polyamory in a very playful way. She joked around with her and told her that there are so many girls that can barely find one date but her daughter has found three. (Tsoulis-Reay)

Some advice that has helped others (Wheeler)

– Bring it up in a normal conversation.

– Say that you are in an open relationship, rather than saying you have multiple partners.

– let your family members ask questions and educate them.

– start off by telling a family member who you think will be more accepting of it.

– tell a family member that you think will slowly tell all the other family members (what Paul and Megan did to help tell his family)

By Tammy Ng

The interviews I had conducted and laid out in previous blog posts had an overarching theme. The theme being how a person’s cultural background has shaped how a person views different concepts. Many of my interviewees would mention where they had grown up, their religion, or their ethnic background being a huge factor in how they had view polyamorous relationships. Much of our morals and values don’t just come from nowhere; It is in fact shaped by society and the people surrounding us. When you are a child and you listen to nursery rhymes and bedtime stories, these seemingly trivial things are already shaping how we view the world, as the stories are trying to instill certain morals and values into children (West 2007).

Many of my interviewees spoke about the repressive cultural background they had come from. I was able to interview a number of white students and a number of students of people of color. I noticed that the students that are also people of color were slightly more apprehensive about polyamory. They were not against the idea fully but saw a struggle with being stereotyped in a certain way if they were to voice their opinions on supporting polyamory relationships, whether it was in support of others or for themselves. For so long, people of color have been othered and racially oppressed, that no matter where you go and even within a poly community (which can be considered an oppressed community) still has racism within it (Sheff 2013). The intersectionality of a person of color and being a part of the poly community creating a different experience from those who are white and a part of the poly community. White people don’t have the same history and/or struggle of being racially oppressed as people of color, so they are allowed freedoms that people of color don’t have.

One interviewee had spoke about a very interesting, but probably not a rare experience. They spoke about growing up around relationships that never really worked out. Whether it had been divorces in family, teen pregnancy, cheating, etc. They saw the struggle and failure of monogamous relationships constantly around them and sought out alternative relationship models. Often when people don’t have great examples of relationships surrounding them, they either repeat the same mistakes they saw growing up or do their best to not fall into those footsteps (TallBear 2014).

In U.S. society we have been socialized into seeing monogamy as the norm. Because monogamy is the norm within mainstream culture and is typically the only type of relationship we see in movies, read about in books, etc., it has shaped our minds into seeing anything other than monogamy as weird or wrong. Whether it be because of our religion, family, schooling, etc., we are constantly being exposed to things that sway us to think about things a certain way. It is up to the individual to question it. Whether something is done a certain way because it is truly right or if it is just a social construction.

By Gabriela Antezana

Patriarchy is internalized within the walls of the American society espeically when it comes to relationships. Communities that break this norm like the LGBTQ+ and the poly community break through the surface, the patriarchy and oppression become apparent for the minority (Ryan & Jetha 2010). People that are a part of the LBGTQ+ community have always been a part of the sexual minority in the United States. When it comes to the representation of people that are a part of the LGBTQ+ community, it seems to be very limited to bisexual (usually women)  and heterosexual (usually men) people. The representation of same-sex relationships on mainstream media for the poly community is very limited to usually one man and two women. This creates barriers within the community leaving many people underrepresented and or understood according to My LGBT Plus.

Homophobia & Objectification

It is presented through the media that there are trends of objectification and homophobia among men and women. Homophobia tends to circulate around male-identifying people. This may occur much less often than it would in the monogamous-heterosexual community but it is still apparent to the poly community. The poly community tends to value bisexual relationships over same-sex relations and its depiction in their media. According to by Elisabeth A. Sheff,  gay men seem to avoid any situation that potentially could regard experiencing homophobia in which why they try to avoid this mainstream poly community. As for women, polyamory is a way of rejecting the internalized patriarchy that society holds within its values. Although, there is a large percent of polyamorous women that still do experience objectification which prevents them from being the in mainstream spotlight according to Psychology Today. The heterosexual male fantasy of being with two women at a time pushes lesbian women to not be able to be represented in the community fully because of the hypersexualization that they experience from this.

Why are there so few gay and lesbian relationships in the mainstream poly community?

For a long time, polyamory has been embedded within the LGBTQ+ community, especially within the walls of gay men. Being faced with homophobia, oppression, and stigma because of one’s sexual orientation the pressure with another label did not seem to be in the liking for many of the community members. In recent years polyamory has become a very mainstream phenomenon within the bisexual and heterosexual community. While many gay men have been participating in it years before it rose, their image has stayed in secret. For the gay community to be liberated through their sexuality, Brandon Ambrosino suggests there must be an overhaul of culture.

By Tammy Ng

Before delving into the reasons why some of the people I interviewed have opinions against polyamory relationships, we must first lay out the context of the people I interviewed. These people are students from UCSC, so generally most people on this campus are very accepting and open-minded. So, there were no hard anti opinions, but rather more confusion and unawareness of the polyamory community.

I had asked a few people two questions, the first one was “How would you define a polyamorous relationship?” and the second one was “Are you pro-poly or not?”. I asked the second question in a more general sense. Whether it be about poly relationships for themselves or others, I wanted to gather information based on why these people have these opinions rather than the opinion itself. Similar to my previous blog post, people answered the first question all similarly saying that it was a relationship with more than two parties involved. For the second question, I will be focusing on the more confused and negative response in this blog post.

Many people voiced their support for the poly community, but also voiced their confusion and internal conflict with whether it was okay or not. One recurring theme that I found throughout was people with religious cultural background, specifically Christianity. “I don’t have an issue with people who want to live that lifestyle, but like, I feel like coming from a Christian background, it somehow feels wrong, like I know there’s nothing wrong with it, but I can’t help but feel judgmental when I hear people talk about it.” Many people had the same conflict as the peer I quoted. Christianity has a deep-rooted history in the rejection of polygamy and all the issues that would come with it, like infidelity, hatred, war, etc. (Kaczor 2016). This framework bleeds into how the U.S. society views polygamy and polyamory, since U.S. society is built on a Christian foundation. Whether a person is religious or not, having a society built on this framework, causes a certain hegemonic thinking (Witte Jr. 2016). There is a reason for why we view certain things a specific way, there are no baseless thoughts.

Another common theme that was brought up was gender. “I feel like gender also has something to do with it, like I try to stop thinking like this, but sometimes I can’t help it, like I feel different when I see a girl with a bunch of partners as opposed to a guy with a bunch of partners, like I don’t know”. This peer brought up the interesting thought of gender coming into play. In a patriarchy, people who identify or appear to be male are generally awarded freedoms that people who identify or appear to be female. Many people that I have interviewed had brought up this concept in one way or another. This is something that I had found very interesting. Even within communities that are oppressed, things like racism or sexism doesn’t just disappear.

There are many conflicting views concerning this topic; however, within recent years we have made progress in gaining rights for not following the hegemonic ideals of a relationship. The main one being, gay marriage rights. Many people are seeing this as a catalyst for other rights, including polygamy, while others see it as two very different things (Friedersdorf 2015). Although polygamy (marriage to more than one person) is different from polyamory (in a relationship with more than one person with all parties consenting), the topic of polygamy has brought polyamory into light and could begin a new social movement.

By Gabriela Antezana

How did this phenomenon start?
The construction of sexuality plays a big role in the role that polyamory plays in society. In the article The Social Construction of Sexuality by Steven Seidman, there is a clear explanation of how sexuality is a learned way of thinking and being (Seidman 2015). Thus the social construction creates the way people are in the poly community. It seems that in recent years polyamory has been getting the spotlight through media. Polyamory before it became a part if media was seen as a taboo subject that worked against society and its morals. Many television social media platforms, shows, movies, and media coverages have opened their arms to the idea of polyamory. Before polyamory became an outlet on media, many books, reports, and stories opened this idea to the public. The book Sex at Dawn became a landmark and accomplishment for the polyamorous community because of their insight and education upon the subject. Having multiple partners was a common acceptance before the social construction of monogamy (Ryan and Jethá, 2010). This publication opened many doors for platforms to explore this idea further. In a 2009 Newsweek article about polyamory, Jessica Bennet goes in depth of how polyamory has become the new norm within the walls of society. Though many still see it as a kink or way out of monogamy, people who have an “old school” mindset should shift their perspective on what is the norm.

Can Polyamory Get Butchered Through Media?
The misrepresentation of polyamory in media can lead people into perceiving it as something it is not. An example of an inaccurate representation of polyamory that startled the media was the show She’s Gotta Have It, illustrates a woman that has no real feelings for the people she is in a relationship with. In a 2017 article by The Root, it is explained how the main character in this show seems to be selfish and not caring in which is the opposite of how people in a polyamorous relationship are. These representations through media outlets bring negative connotations to the polygamous community further oppressing them and alienating them from society.
In a piece posted by Loving More in 2014, highlighted that polyamory is often misunderstood by the people who are involved in how the dynamics of the lifestyle actually work.

How is the representation of polyamory in media positive?
Our society’s idea of what a perfect relationship is has been shifting to more of an untraditional way recently. With the depiction of polyamory in television shows and movies, it spreads awareness that having a relationship with more than one person is ethical and normals, as long as it is consensual. For example the show You Me Her, depicts a married couple that has a relationship with another woman. They explicitly show the healthy ways that polyamory can be expressed and help one find themselves while loving more than just one person. Social media in recent years has become a very big platform in which people feel they can express themselves. Youtube, Instagram, and other platforms give the freedom to people to explore themselves and learn more about what it means to be poly. If presented correctly, the representation of polyamory in media can introduce this lifestyle to someone that is unsure or confused about what they are looking for romantically. It provides an outlet to witness and learn of this topic in ways that were not possible before.

By Ada Bravo

Legally:

Structuring the legal guardianship for children who have polygamous parents is very complicated. The only reason for that is because it is difficult to get a judge to approve of multiple guardianships for a poly relationship. In some relationships, the partners might want all of them to have equal guardianship, while others might only want biological parents to have parental rights. In the case that the partners want to include a guardian that is not a biological parent, it gets hard. There can be more than two guardians, however, that depends on what is going on. Judges will rule in favor of the decision that they believe will be better for the children involved. Most of the time when judges are making decisions, they let their cultural and religious beliefs get in the way. Those beliefs often conclude that monogamy is the healthiest family structure for children, leading them to deny multiple guardianships. Although it is possible to do, you’ll have better luck with a judge that is more progressive. In Megan’s lecture about reproduction, we learned about the stigma that comes from certain groups that have babies. This would definitely be a group that would have a stigma around the decision to have children. Some of the other conflicts that the court sees with this is the financial, medical and social outcomes that will have to occur if there is a separation between the partners. (Sheff 2017)

Socially:

I want to begin by saying that every relationship is going to be different depending on who is contributing to it. However, I will be giving some information on the various ways that people in polyamorous relationships add children into their family. Some partners who have children feel that it is best to end secondary relationships because there is no more time for them, but that is not always the case. When people do decide that they want to stay in a poly relationship after having children , there are many ways that they can go about it. If it is something that is being planned, they can decide who the maternal and paternal parents will be. Communication is very important, especially when deciding to have children. Megan and Paul explained that especially in a polyamorous relationship, communication is absolutely necessary. It is vital tool in their relationship. Some people don’t always feel comfortable with adding children into the family. A conflict that can occur is when the primary or secondary partner is pregnant, the other partner can feel like they are being left out. They might feel like the biological parents are sharing something special that they won’t be able to connect with. They can also start to feel like their partner has no time for them anymore, which can cause separation. Some ways that can help to avoid this is if the non-biological parents help play a part in contributing to the child’s upbringing. For example, going to doctors appointments, babysitting, helping around the house, etc. (Mahler 2017)

Living the Lifestyle:

A man named Benedict Smith talks about his story growing up in a house with parents who were in an open relationship. He does not think that growing up with multiple parental figures affected him in anyway negatively. He enjoyed being surrounded by a lot of people who loved him and also enjoyed the different advice he received from them growing up. He states that if anything, he wished that there would have been a little more kick to like most people assume that there is. One thing that he did face was a lot of judgment from his peers. He was scared for kids at school to find out that his parents had multiple partners. Also, parents from his church group stopped letting their kids hang out with him once they learned about his parents open relationship. (Benedict 2015) What affected him the most was the judgment, not at all being a part of a poly family.

By Ada Bravo

Before getting started…

Many people who consider themselves to be a part of a polyamorous relationship, believe that marriage is a practice for monogamy. (Unmarried Equality) However, there are some people that do get married for reasons like enjoying the feeling of being a primary partner, sharing responsibilities and having someone to grow old with. If a couple is getting married, it is not at all about the couple deciding that they are the only ones meant for each other. It is more or so the promise to love each other and take care of each other. (Loving Without Boundaries)

Legally:

When looking at the way that this would work legally, being married to more than one person at a given time in the United States is prohibited. People who practice polyamory would not legally be able to marry more than one of their multiple partners. There have been cases where people have tried to fight for marriage equality for polyamorist. In 2015, a man from Montana applied for a marriage license in hopes that he would legally be able to marry a second women, but his idea was quickly shut down. (Washington Post) In the past, six supreme courts have upheld bans on polygamy. Another reason why the court thinks it would be hard to make multi-marriage legal, is that they would have to update laws for child guardiancy, splitting wealth, insurance coverage, etc. It is not believed that the law on single partnered marriage will change anytime soon, due to the publics low support of polyamorous relationships. One of the topics that Megan talked about in her lecture, “sexuality, inequality and activism”, she brings up the topic of marriage inequality being a legal discrimination, which applies in this case.

Socially:

Every polyamorous relationship is going to be different, just like any monogamous relationship. Some couples might want to marry only one person, some might want to be married to multiple and others might not even believe in marriage at all. In polyamory, there are hierarchical (having a primary partner) v non-hierarchical relationships. Megan and Paul talked a lot about how some people choose to have a primary parter, while others would rather not have a primary partner. Some people don’t want to have a lot of responsibility in a relationship. In order to do marriage legally what will happen in some cases is, people might marry their primary partner – which is someone that they prioritize to a higher extent – while having other relationships on the side. (More Than Two) If they did decide that they wanted to marry, they would most likely marry the person that they have a stronger connection with. This does not mean that they cannot pursue relationships with other people. Finding another partner aside from your primary partner, would not be considered infidelity in their poly relationship. If the case is that the couple were looking for a multi-marriage, it gets a lot more difficult because it cannot legally be done.